first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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