I think i peed on brittanys purse
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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