Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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