She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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