i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
