Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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