is your mom at the bar?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
