I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
