What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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