I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize