I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
