my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
