proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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