So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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