the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
