What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize