Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
