she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
