Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
