You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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