Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
