My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
