he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
