He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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