True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
