So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
