when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
