Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize