everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
