I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
