I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
