Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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