Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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