I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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