I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
