Moan for me like Helen Keller
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
