just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
