if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize