I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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