I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
