Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
