Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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