We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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