did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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