No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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