i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
