Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize