I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
