Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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