I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
