No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm like, not good at living.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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