you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
