i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
