i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
