i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
